Breaking news: Donald Trump resigns presidency



Citing weariness with the sham he’s perpetrated over the past two years, Donald Trump has announced he will step down as President of the United States of America. The office will pass to Vice-President Mike Pence, effective immediately.

“I just can’t do it anymore. It’s been an unbearable, overwhelming weight on my shoulders, to maintain this pretense of helping the average American while continually taking steps and signing orders that clearly make their lives worse,” he said.

“Cutting the Environmental Protection Agency, deregulation of the financial sector, deregulation of industries, cutting taxes for the rich, and the new health insurance plan, all those measures are plainly transfers of wealth from the middle class to the richest one-tenth of one percent. That’s it. Deregulating coal won’t do anything at all, other than reduce some marginal costs. It won’t bring back a single job in the coal sector.”

“Another thing I found particularly difficult was pretending that I have the vocabulary of a seven-year-old.”

Then there’s all the measures that will do nothing at all, other than put yet more money into multinational corporations’ accounts, like deregulating coal. I mean, how could you not see through that

The announcement stunned commentators from across the political spectrum. It also clearly surprised Trump’s advisors.

Trump’s spokesman, Sean Spicer, was caught off guard by the announcement. “Umm, yes, well, Mr. Trump, President Trump, I should say, former President Trump has stated what he believes. He clearly believes what he said, and I am now obliged to say that everything this administration has done since taking office has been designed to make things better for a few billionaires, like Mr. Trump and Secretary of State Tillerson, and their flunkies, such as, well, myself. And yes, everyone else was made worse off. For me, that was the biggest bonus.”

Mr. Trump had more surprises today, as well. For instance, he castigated the right-wing media that had supported him. “I think what really was the last straw for me was the way the sycophants at Fox News and other stations just swallowed everything I said, every outrageous statement, and started defending it. It was nauseating.”

Fox and Friends was completely unintelligible today, with all commentators and on-screen personalities babbling simultaneously.

Sean Hannity of Fox News and the syndicated Sean Hannity Show said “I, for one, would be proud to be made worse off by President Trump’s administration, and I say with confidence that tradition will be continued under incoming President Presumptive Mike Spence. I mean, Pants.”

Rachel Maddow, of the Rachel Maddow Show, who passes for a leftist in the United States, said “Wow. I … wow. Wow.”

Former President Barack Obama was reached on vacation. He said “No way. No freakin’ way am I coming back. I don’t care what you offer. Did you know that I actually managed to quit smoking since I stepped down? No way am I going back to that. Michelle would kill me, anyway.

“I knew he wouldn’t last,” the former President continued. “I’m not going to say ‘I told you so,’ because even in my wildest dreams, I never thought that an egotist like Donald Trump would resign. So yes, I am surprised.

“Put away the handcuffs. I am not resuming the office of President.”

In related news, the Breitbart so-called news site now shows only the picture of a mushroom cloud.MushroomCloud

April fool!

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Comments

  1. How I wish this wasn’t a joke. But a well written one, nonetheless.