April 1, 2024

MOSCOW AND OTTAWA (Rooters/APPI) Simultaneous announcements from two widely spaced cities have rocked the political and cultural world. Pierre Poilievre, leader of the Canadian Loyal Opposition, has admitted that he chose his name specifically to make English speakers wonder, “Am I pronouncing this correctly?” and that when not whining in Parliament or dreaming up cute three-word phrases to mischaracterize oppressive policies, he works as a body double for Vladimir Putin.

Meanwhile, in Moscow, Russia, Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov has announced that he thought the man he was speaking for was Pierre Poilievre. “Am I pronouncing that correctly?” he asked a Rooters reporter. 

“I have no idea,” the reporter replied. 

Poilievre (left) and Putin: Has anyone ever seen them together? Ever?

In fact, Mr. Peskov continued, all public appearances by “Vladimir Putin” over the past ten years have been body doubles. Mr. Peskov said he has not see the real Vladimir Putin since the first day of the Sochi Winter Olympics in 2014. “I just assumed that every time I met with the President since then, it was Pierre Poilievre. Or however you pronounce that,” said Mr. Peskov. 

For his part, Mr. Poilievre has admitted that the travel between Ottawa and various Russian cities can be exhausting and he feels jet-lagged most of the time. Furthermore, an unexpected depressurization of an Aeroflot plane in 2016 led to his voice attaining its particular timbre. “Did you think I like to sound like this?” he asked.

When asked why he moonlights as a body double for a vicious tyrant, Mr. Poilievre replied, “Hey, it’s like making stripper money.”

Happy April Fool’s!